I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Randomize
