Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
