No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
