You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
