he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
