My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
