Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
