After last night, I could never be a politician.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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