we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
