my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
