mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
