I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
