He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize