Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
