I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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