Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
