my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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