I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
