I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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