my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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