I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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