I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
