Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
