So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
