She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
