I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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