she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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