You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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