why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
