take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
is that a dick in a sweater?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
