She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
