Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
