my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize