Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
