Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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