I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
