girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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