Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
