How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
