I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
