i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
