haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
