YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
