Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
It's shark week go big or go home
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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