I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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