Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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