i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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