its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize