Nicole vs. Life
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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