My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
