I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize