3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize