I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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