toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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