one might say we're banned from that church
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
