Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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